Many of my coaching clients unwittingly spend their time looking for evidence to support their existing beliefs. Some of these beliefs turn out to be functional, while others are not. The funny thing is, they don’t see their beliefs as beliefs but rather as objective reality. They defend this “objective reality” at all costs, presenting evidence that these beliefs are “true”.
If the belief in question is functional, then ride it all the way. But what if the belief is something that holds you back or limits your ability to reach for the stars? Then it is probably worth another look.
But how should you look at such a belief? What approach should you take to examine it?
What is the most important question in the world? I’ll make a case for this one…
What would it take for you to change your mind?
Let’s look at a real-life application of this idea.
I once had a client who had a firm belief that he was a failure. When asked what he felt the basis for that belief was, he was very clear that it was because all his friends were “more successful” than he was. He stated that they all earned more money than him, and they all had more senior positions. Let’s put aside for a minute the question of whether these two variables fully account for a legitimate comparison of success. It turned out that he was happily married, and most of these friends were divorced or single, but the point of the story was not to get him to broaden his view of success, although that would be a point to touch on in a conventional coaching conversation.
I then asked him, “What would it take to change your mind that you are a failure?” He said if he was earning at least as much as they were and held an equally senior position, then he would not feel like a failure anymore. He said he had spent the last eight years trying to accomplish this without success. I expressed some scepticism that this would work, but he was adamant that if this happened, it would change his belief about failure.
I suggested we try a little experiment in the form of a visualisation exercise. We spent some time getting him into an imaginary space where what he was aiming for happened two days prior. That is, he was now earning the same as his friends and had an equally prestigious position. It took us about 15 minutes to get him into a relaxed state where he could feel this happen and suspend his disbelief, as if he were watching a good movie that he was engrossed in.
As he got further into the exercise, I could see an uncomfortable look come across his face. His breath started to become shallow and he moved his head around. We finished the exercise soon after. I asked him what he experienced and whether it was what he expected. He looked stunned and said that no, it didn’t turn out the way he thought. I asked him what his mind told him as he was imagining the successful attainment of his goal after the eight-year process. He said it didn’t change his belief because his mind said, “It took you eight years longer than everyone else, and you worked harder to get there. You are still a failure.”
This shocked him, as he realised that even if he could achieve what he was attempting, that in and of itself wasn’t going to repair his failure belief. That is the nature of a negative belief. It is like a living entity that fights for survival and makes you lose, regardless of what happens. If he doesn’t achieve the desired success, he is a failure, and even if he does, he is a failure because it took too long to achieve. The belief itself attempts to maintain its survival by directing attentional focus to whatever aspect of experience keeps it alive.
Unless you can come up with a clearly defined falsifiable condition for your belief, then you are just in your own cult. Most cults are held together by a series of non-falsifiable propositions. If you can’t disprove the proposition, it is apparently automatically true. You have no way of knowing the resolution of your map and the limitations it might be imposing on you. It is a game you cannot win. Much like a Chinese finger trap, the harder you try to pull your finger out, the tighter the trap holds you.
If you entertain an idea and the stakes are high, not having a condition which at least in theory would make you change your mind is dangerous territory indeed, whether in business, psychology or life.
